


betrayal on four legs

by fiveyaaas



Series: under mistletoe [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Married Life, This toes the line of a crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:55:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27860382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: She’d made him fifteen sweaters so far, and it had sparked what she considered to be a wonderful idea.Five, however, disagreed. On the grounds that he would never be in a relationship that involved sending Christmas cards.Naturally, she’d sent Christmas cards, without telling him.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: under mistletoe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036878
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60
Collections: Harcest Ficmas 2020





	betrayal on four legs

**Author's Note:**

> For the sake of this fic and the sake of all the hours I have spent looking at pictures of St. Bermastiffs, Mr. Pennycrumb is a St. Bermastiff in this.

“We are  _ not  _ ever doing this again.” 

Vanya frowned at Five, holding the puppy securely to her chest. In about a month, she wouldn’t be able to hold him any longer, considering he was already forty pounds, which was why she carried him around everywhere. It was a struggle to lug him around, but Mr. Pennycrumb really loved being carried. Who was she to deny him? 

He yawned loudly at that moment, licking her neck half-heartedly afterwards. Five stared distastefully at him, considering the pup had been the instigator of their argument. 

Learning how to knit so she could make Mr. Pennycrumb little sweaters felt like the  _ right _ thing to do as his new mom. He got cold easily since he was just a puppy (Five had claimed that he was a St. Bernard and Mastiff mix and therefore was incapable of feeling cold, but he was heartless), so Vanya asked Grace to teach her how to knit. She’d made him fifteen sweaters so far, and it had sparked what she considered to be a wonderful idea. 

Five, however, disagreed. On the grounds that he would  _ never  _ be in a relationship that involved sending Christmas cards. 

Naturally, she’d sent Christmas cards, without telling him. 

They were completely innocuous. 

Vanya told Five that she wanted to improve her knitting capabilities, so she wanted a human model. She’d knit him a hat, mittens, socks, a scarf, and, most importantly, a blue sweater meant to match Mr. Pennycrumbs. The only difference was that Mr. Pennycrumb’s had a bone pattern against it, and Five’s was carefully left blank. (She’d long contemplated including a cutesy cup of coffee, a calculator, a stylized number “5”, marshmallows and peanut butter, a clock, the Fibonacci spiral, or the sentence ‘Vanya is the best.’ Ultimately, though, she’d remembered Five’s disgust at graphic tees, and she’d decided to nix the idea and leave it blank.) 

And then, the most wonderful thing happened. Mr. Pennycrumb, having spent the day chasing after him and barking chattily, had curled up in his arms when he’d fallen asleep. They were wearing identical sweaters, and Five was cuddling up to a puppy. She had no choice but to take a picture. And also she might have made cutesy Christmas cards and she might have typed out all the developments of the year before on the inside.

And  _ apparently,  _ this had been enough for him to  _ call a lawyer.  _ Which led to a very tired looking man asking them, weakly, if they were there for a divorce in the middle of their argument. 

Five had paused in his tirade, that had not truly stopped for three days, looking like he was about to try to use the man’s office supplies against him. Vanya groaned, setting her head in her hands. 

“How  _ dare  _ you imply Vanya and I would  _ ever  _ get a divorce?”

The lawyer balked at him, “You’re seriously trying to  _ sue  _ this woman over  _ Christmas cards?” _

Five sniffed indignantly, “Yes.” Vanya rolled her eyes at him. 

“Have you guys tried just going to couples’ therapy? I feel like you need it.”

Five started reaching for him, and Vanya sighed, using the waiting room music from the other room to channel enough sound to still Five’s hands. He gave her a betrayed look, and she wrote the lawyer a sizable check and handed it to him wordlessly, grabbing Five and dragging him home. 

When they got there, Mr. Pennycrumb greeted them, spinning around in circles and tail wagging excitedly. Vanya cooed at him, picking him up and listening to Five’s tirade. 

As he told her that it would never happen again, glaring at her puppy, Vanya told him that it would happen every year for the rest of their lives if she had anything to do with it. It was maybe a little bit of a cheap shot, considering Five always stopped arguing when she used the phrase ‘for the rest of our lives,’ effectively triggering that old man sentimentality, but she felt it was vital in this instance because she didn't want him to try to  _ sue  _ her again. He sighed, loudly, and told her that next time he had to at least  _ approve _ the picture. 

Which made sense, why the next year their Christmas cards were  _ supposed _ to feature a fully grown Mr. Pennycrumb, sitting in her lap (something he did all the time once he realized he couldn’t be held by her anymore. He’d been very upset the day she couldn’t handle holding him up, but he’d finally been content when he realized that he could sit on her lap.) Vanya knit them identical sweaters for the occasion, and she smiled widely for the camera, even though Five had given up on using a phone camera and was using one of those discardable cameras from the early 00’s, which she was 90% certain he would literally have to go back in time to get developed. 

Vanya, seeing the futility in the task, asked him to come sit down beside them. When he did, she leaned against his shoulder, making sure Mr. Pennycrumb was close, grabbed her phone and snapped a selfie. Because Five had been too stunned to scowl, he looked actually somewhat of a nice person. Of course, moments later, after she had sent the picture in a group message to all of the others as contingency, he glowered at her.

“The others already have the picture,” Vanya reminded him. “The _only_ way you could get this from not being on our Christmas card this year is if you destroyed their phones right this instant, and I  _ will  _ make you sleep on the couch until next year’s Christmas if you try that.”

Five groaned, deciding that it was a hopeless cause, leaning back against the couch, and pouting. When she reached for her knitting needles, she caught Mr. Pennycrumb licking his face and him smiling widely at the dog in her periphery. She held back her own smile, leaning against his chest and setting to work on her goal of six sets of scarves, sweaters, socks, hats, and mittens. Plus, a bunch of little sweaters. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!! Happy day 3 of fic-mas!!! 💕💕💕


End file.
